just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
