Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Everyone says I win the strip club
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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