No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
