When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
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