I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
