I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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