nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Randomize
