Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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