are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
