question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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