everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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