at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
