i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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