I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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