it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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