i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
