plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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