When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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