Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
