Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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