I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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