hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
