Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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