Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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