how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
