Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm just crazy horny about you
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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