3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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