he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
