I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
