I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize