I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize