so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
