I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
