I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
