i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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