HIV tests are more positive than that guy
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
