Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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