Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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