Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
