Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
