Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
