I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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