I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
