Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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