Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
