she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
