When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
