We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He better not be in your backpack
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
