I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Randomize
