If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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