Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
