Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Are my feet made of real feet?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
