We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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