Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
