It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Randomize
