Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
