What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We need to rekindle our bromance
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
