So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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