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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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