It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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