Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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